Beer Quotes

I feel sorry for people who don't drink.
When they wake up in the morning, that's as good as they're going to feel all day.
... Frank Sinatra
The problem with some people is that when they aren't drunk, they're sober.
... William Butler Yeats
An intelligent man is sometimes forced to be drunk to spend time with his fools.
... For Whom the Bell Tolls, Ernest Hemingway
Always do sober what you said you'd do drunk. That will teach you to keep your mouth shut.
... Ernest Hemingway
You're not drunk if you can lie on the floor without holding on.
... Dean Martin
No animal ever invented anything as bad as drunkenness or as good as drink.
... G.K. Chesterton
Time is never wasted when you're wasted all the time.
... Catherine Zandonella
Abstainer: a weak person who yields to the temptation of denying himself a pleasure.
... Ambrose Bierce
I never drink anything stronger than gin before breakfast.
... W.C. Fields
A woman drove me to drink and I didn't even have the decency to thank her.
... W.C. Fields
What contemptible scoundrel has stolen the cork to my lunch?
... W.C. Fields
I would rather commit adultery than drink a glass of beer.
... Lady Astor, Social reformer
Who wouldn't?
... A voice from the crowd
Sir, if you were my husband, I would poison your
... Lady Astor to Winston Churchill
Madam, if you were my wife, I would drink it.
... Winston Churchill's reply
If God had intended us to drink beer, He would have given us stomachs.
... David Daye
Work is the curse of the drinking classes.
... Oscar Wilde
When I read about the evils of drinking, I gave up reading.
... Henny Youngman
I'd rather have a bottle in front of me, than a frontal lobotomy.
... Tom Waits
When we drink, we get drunk.
When we get drunk, we fall asleep.
When we fall asleep, we commit no sin.
When we commit no sin, we go to heaven.
Sooooo, let's all get drunk, and go to heaven...
...Brian O'Rourke
Without question, the greatest invention in the
history of mankind is beer. Oh, I grant you that the
wheel was also a fine invention, but the wheel does
not go nearly as well with pizza.
... Dave Barry's Bad Habits
When I heated my home with oil, I used an average of
800 gallons a year. I have found that I can keep
comfortably warm for an entire winter with slightly
over half that quantity of beer.
... Postpetroleum Guzzler, Dave Barry
Adhere to the Schweinheitsgebot. Don't put anything in
your beer that a pig wouldn't eat.
... David Geary
you don't like jail?
naw, they got the wrong kind of bars in there.
... Charles Bukowski
If you ever reach total enlightenment while drinking
beer, I bet it makes beer shoot out your nose.
... Deep Thought, Jack Handy
One more drink and I'd be under the host.
... Dorothy Parker
All other nations are drinking Ray Charles beer and we are drinking Barry Manilow.
... Dave Barry
Not all chemicals are bad. Without chemicals such as
hydrogen and oxygen, for example, there would be no
way to make water, a vital ingredient in beer.
... Dave Barry
My problem with most athletic challenges is training.
I'm lazy and find that workouts cut into my drinking time.
... A Wolverine is Eating My Leg
The problem with the world is that everyone is a few drinks behind.
... Humphrey Bogart
Why is American beer served cold? So you can tell it from urine.
... David Moulton

A drink a day keeps the shrink away.
... Edward Abbey

People who drink light "beer" don't like the taste of
beer; they just like to pee a lot.
... Capital Brewery, Middleton, WI

Put it back in the horse!
... H. Allen Smith, an American humorist in the '30s-'50s, after he drank his
first American beer at a bar.

You can't be a real country unless you have a beer and
an airline--it helps if you have some kind of football
team, or some nuclear weapons, but at the very least
you need a beer.
... Frank Zappa

They proceed with the speed of rockets to the
northeast corner of the universe, which George
percieved to be shaped exactly like a pint of beer, in
which the nebulae were the ascending bubbles.
... John Collier, The Devil, George, and Rosie

I am the first man south of the Mason-Dixon line to brew a drinkable home-brew.
... H.L. Mencken, in "Heathen Days"
American Beer is a lot like making love in a row boat-
It's fucking close to water!
... Monty Python's Eric Idle

Give a man a beer, waste an hour. Teach a man to brew, and waste a lifetime!
... Bill Owen

Okay, brain, I don't like you and you don't like me.
Let's just take this exam so I can get back to killing you with beer.
... Homer Simpson

They can have my beer when they pry it out of my cold, dead hand.
... Ben Schwalb

I have never been into wine. I'm a beer man. What I
like about beer is you basically just drink it and
order more. You don't sniff at it, or hold it up to
the light and slosh it around, or drone on and on
about it, the way people do with wine. Your beer
drinker tends to be a straightforward, decent,
friendly, down-to-earth person, whereas your serious
wine fancier tends to be an insufferable snot.
... Dave Barry
The hardest part about making beer is siphoning it
into bottles. This is tricky, because what can happen
is the phone rings and you get involved in a lengthy
conversation during which your 4 year-old son gets
hold of the hose and spews premature beer, called
"wort", all over the kitchen and himself, and you
become the target of an investigation by child welfare
authorities because yours is the only child who comes
to preschool smelling like a fraternity carpet.
...Dave Barry
DOUGH... the stuff... that buys me beer
RAY... the guy that sells me beer
ME... the one... who drinks the beer
FAR... a long run to get beer
SO... I'll have another beer
LA... I'll have another beer
TEA... no, thanks, I'm drinking beer
That will bring us back to (looks into empty glass)
... Homer Simpson's beer song

I love living single, drinking double, and sleeping triple.
... Hunter McGirt

Drinking when we are not thirsty and making love all year round, madam; that is all there is to distinguish us from other animals.
... Pierre-Augustin Caron De Beaumarchais, "The Marriage of Figaro"

I drink to make other people interesting.
... George Jean Nathan

"It goes a little something like this. A herd of buffalo can only move as fast as the slowest buffalo, much like the brain can only operate as fast as the slowest brain cells. The slowest buffalo are the sick and weak so they die off first, making it possible for the herd to move at a faster pace. Like the buffalo the weak, slow brain cells are the ones that are killed off by beer drinking, making the brain operate faster. The moral of the story, drink more beer, it will make you smarter.. "
... alt.drunken.bastard explaining the Buffalo Theory

"I'm only here to do two things, drink some beer and kick some ass. Looks like we're almost out of beer."
... Dazed and Confused

It is better to drink to forget, than to forget to drink.
... Message on a blackboard in an Edinburgh pub

If you receive an e-mail with a subject of "Badtimes," delete it immediately WITHOUT reading it! This is the most dangerous E-Mail virus yet. It will re-write your hard drive. Not only that, but it will recalibrate your refrigerator's coolness setting so all your ice cream goes melty, drink all your beer, make you fall in love with a penguin, give you nightmares about circus midgets, leave the toilet seat up and kill your dog.
... Badtimes Virus Alert

I don't drink to get happy or to forget the pain. I drink to stop the voices in my head. Do you know what's so bad about them, they stutter. Ddddddave... Kkkkkkikikill your papapapapaparents!!
... Andrew Dice Clay

The only way to keep your health is to eat what you don't want, drink what you don't like, and do what you'd druther not.
... Mark Twain

I went on a diet, swore off drinking and heavy eating, and in fourteen days I lost two weeks.
... Joe E. Lewis

Never refuse doing a good deed unless it will come as great harm to you or to others and never, ever, refuse a drink
... Mark Twain

Sometimes when I reflect back on all the beer I drink I feel ashamed. Then I look into the glass & think about the workers in the brewery and all of their hopes & dreams. If I didn't drink this beer, they might be out of work & their dreams would be shattered. Then I say to myself, 'It is better that I drink this beer & let their dreams come true than to be selfish and worry about my liver.'
... Jack Handey

"I'm not going to get drunk, I'm just going to drink until I can't see!"

They speak of my drinking but they never consider my thirst.

Save water, drink beer.

If you bought $1000 worth of Nortel stock one year ago, it would now be worth $49. If you bought $1000 worth of Budweiser (the beer, not the stock) one year ago, drank all the beer, and traded in the cans for the nickel deposit, you would have $79. My advice to you is to start drinking heavily.

Officer: "gee son....your eyes look red, have you been drinkin?" Drunk: "gee officer...your eye's look glazed, have you been eating dounuts?"

You can't drink all day if you don't start in the morning.

I fear the man who drinks water, and remembers this morning what the rest of us said last night.

I drink to make other people appear more intelligent... I drink a lot.

My doctor told me not to drink any more, so I don't. I don't drink any less, but I don't drink any more.

If you were here,
I would buy you a beer.
But since you're not,
I will drink the lot.

Some say the glass is half full, some say the glass is half empty. I say "Are you gonna drink that?"

Don't do drugs, don't have unprotected sex, don't drink and drive..... Leave that to me.

Starkle starkle little twink
Who the hell are you to think
I'm not under what you call
The alchofluence of incohol
I'm just a little slort of sheep
I'm not drunk like thinkle peep
I don't know who is me yet
But the drunker I stand here,
The longer I get
So just give me one more drink to fill my cup
Cause I got all day sober to Sunday up

Give a man a fish and he will eat for a day, teach a man to fish and he will spend all day in a boat drinking beer.

I have a drinking problem, I can't afford it.

Drunk is feeling sophisticated when you can't say it.

Reality is an illusion that occurs due to the lack of alcohol.

Beauty lies in the hands of the beer holder.

Life is a waste of time, time is a waste of life, so get wasted all of the time and have the time of your life.

24 hours in a day, 24 beers in a case. Coincidence?

It's better to have beer in hand than gas in tank.

Life is too short to drink cheap beer.

Beer - it's not just for breakfast anymore

Beer is the reason I get up every afternoon.

Beer: Nature's laxative.

Beer. If you can't taste it, why bother!

Beer is good food.

Friends don't let friends drink Light Beer.

If nothing beats a Bud, given the choice, I'd take the nothing...

Draft beer, not people!

My favorite black-and-tan is a "mother-in-law": a mixture of stout and bitter.

If I saved all the money I've spent on beer, I'd spend it on beer.

College is a fountain of knowledge... and the students are there to drink.