A few jokes


Mechanic or cardiac surgeon?
A mechanic was removing a cylinder head from the motor of a Harley
motorcycle when he spotted a well-known heart surgeon in his shop. The
surgeon was there waiting for the service manager to come take a look at
his bike.

The mechanic shouted across the garage, "Hey Doc can I ask you a
question?" The surgeon, a bit surprised, walked over to the mechanic
working on the motorcycle.

The mechanic straightened up, wiped his hands on a rag and asked,
"So Doc, look at this engine. I open its heart, take valves out, fix'em,
put 'em back in, and when I finish, it works just like new. So how come I
get such a small salary and you get the really big bucks, when you and I
are doing basically the same work?

The surgeon paused, smiled and leaned over, and whispered to the
mechanic..... "Try doing it with the engine running!"

Is a computer a he or a she
Men say it is a she because;
No one but their creator understands their internal logic
The native language they use to communicate with other computers is incomprehensible to everyone else
Even the smallest mistakes are stored in longterm memory for possible later retrieval
As soon as you make a commitment to one, you find yourself spending half your paycheck on accessories for it

Women say it is a he because;
In order to do anything with them you have to turn them on
They have a lot of data but still can’t think for themselves
They are supposed to help you solve problems,but half the time they are the problem
As soon as you commit to one, you realise if you had waited a little longer,you could have gotten a better model!

Heard in a hospital...
A British doctor says: "Medicine in my country is so advanced that we can take a kidney out of one man put it in another and have him looking for work in six weeks."

A German doctor says, "That's nothing, we can take a lung out of one person put it in another and have him looking for work in four weeks."

A Russian doctor says, "In my country medicine is so advanced we can take half a heart out of one person put it in another and have them both looking for work in two weeks."

The American doctor, not to be outdone, says, "You guys are way behind, we just took a man with no brain out of Texas, put him in the WhiteHouse, and now half the country is looking for work, and the other half preparing for war.

You’ve got mail
A man was in his front yard mowing grass when his blond female neighbour
came out of the house and went straight to the mailbox. She opened it, then
slammed it shut and stormed back in the house.

A little later she came out of her house again went to the mailbox and again
opened it, slammed it shut again. Angrily, back into the house she went.
As the man was getting ready to edge the lawn, here she came out again,
marched to the mailbox, opened it and then slammed it closed harder than

Puzzled by her actions the man asked her, "Is something wrong?" To which she
replied, "There certainly is!"

"My stupid computer keeps saying: "YOU'VE GOT MAIL"

Everything I need…
A married couple are driving along a motorway doing 60 MPH, the husband behind the wheel. His wife suddenly looks over at him and says, Honey, I know we've been married for twenty years, but I want a divorce"
The husband says nothing but slowly increases his speed to 70 MPH.
She then says, "I don't want you to try and talk me out of it, because I've been having an affair with your best friend, and he's a lot better at sex than you."
Again the husband stays quiet but speeds up more as his anger increases.
"I want the house," she insists, pushing her luck.
Again the husband speeds up, now to 80 MPH.
She says "I want the car too! " But he just keeps driving faster and faster.
By now he's up to 90 MPH. "And I want the bank accounts and all the credit cards"
The husband starts to veer towards the central reservation.This makes her a little nervous so she asks nervously. "Isn't there anything you want dear?"
The husband replies. "No, I've got everything I need darling"
“Oh really," she says, "so what have you got?"
Just before they smash into the central reservation at 100 MPH,
the husband smiles and says........

............"The f*!^ing airbag! "

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